Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
