when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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