Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
