I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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