I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
