The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
