your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
