The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
