her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
