She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
