my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
