The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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