he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
