I seem to have left my pride at pride
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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