If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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