Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
