my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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