i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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