The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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