if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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