we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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