Your face is a jimmy john
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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