you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
