he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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