you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
His nipple licking is glorious
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