fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
