I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I stole a fireplace last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
