Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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