If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
