The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
