I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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