just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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