Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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