I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
