Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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