dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
