She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
