I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
