My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
