Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
