okay pat passed out under dana's car
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
