what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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