Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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