I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
