A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
