i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
