Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
