The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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