I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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