when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
