why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
