Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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