Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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