i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
