I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
