i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
