On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
