the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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