why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
