so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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